A Girl Nerd’s Diary

A Silicon Valley geekgirl's career journey, and her fascination with sport cars, motorcycles, gadgets, and shoes...

A letter to my 20-year-old self

On my way home one evening, I was listening to NPR about a college student who started a project called "What would you say to your 20-year-old self?" - she asked mature women (in their 30s and 40s) to write a letter to their 20-year-old selves.

I just had a birthday two weeks ago, and it's time for a self-reflection again.  I am inspired by this project and decided to write a letter to my 20-year-old self too.  And I hope this is therapeutic.

Dear Elsa at 20,

Please always follow your heart.  I understand growing up in Asia you inherited the "group think" mentality.  You do whatever others think is the right thing to do.  You are bored out of your mind when studying accounting and management theories that don't make sense at that time, but you still majored in business because all your girlfriends are preparing for the CPA.

Please don't take shortcuts.  I know you are so broke in college because your parents don't pay a penny for your education, but you could have gotten into a better university.  You chose the not-so-good one in Toronto because it's closer to the city so you can bartend to support yourself and it offers a shorter program. You will end up not enjoying school at all.  You will take a year off from work, cash out all your stocks from Google, and went to a very good school to study psychology.  However, that year will be time very well spent.

Living in Montreal for two years shapes who you are; the food, the fashion, and the beautiful French culture and language make you a person with good taste.  Learn some French even though you are still struggling with English.  You will enjoy conversations with the Parisian more when you go to in France a few years later.

Going through quarter-life crisis was daunting, but it teaches you how to make rational decisions in the future without hesitating and ruminating stuff for too long.  Take risks with the right reason and deal with the consequences later.  Money and security are less important than valuable experience at this age.  You will regret not moving to New York City or London when you have the chance, but it's never too late, that thought comes back when you are in your 30s.  You waited 10 years to move closer to San Francisco, but you will be glad to get out of the suburbia trap. 

You will meet a wealthy guy who buys a BMW M3 and Mercedes CLK and let you drive them as if they are yours and pampers you with all kinds of luxuries in life.  But, he is a bad news.

You will end up marry someone you love but not totally in love with.  You are too young to get married.  You will have too much temptations and won't know how to be a good wife in your mid-twenties.  Thank god you are still good friends with your ex.

You are spending way too much time being someone's girlfriend till 31.

Don't be with someone who is emotionally unavailable, and no matter how hard you try to be the best girlfriend possible for him, he is still hung up with his exes.  He is just not that into you and definitely not worth your tears.

Choose your friends wisely.  You will finally learn to be around with people who are responsible, smart, kind, and can be good influences for you. 

You need to take care of your health and the genetic issues although they are invisible and not contagious.  They paralyze you for many years. You could have been happy much earlier had those issues being taken care of sooner.  Stop being overly conscious about your body, you are only 91 lbs from starving yourself before graduation.  

I am very proud of you because you are adventurous and a world traveler. You always meet local people and be friends with them even though you don't speak their language.  Thank you for being open-minded and choosing America to be your permanent home.  You love and enjoy the cultural diversity and the beautiful nature in California, and you will date men and meet friends from all over the world.

I am glad you are very financially responsible.  Growing up having parents who are completely clueless with money taught you that.  You will be glad being debt free and able to pay off half of your apartment by 35.  It's good that you are never into designer purses and stop obsessing about fancy sport cars at some point.

Hey, you haven't found your greatest love yet, but don't lose hope.  He will come. :)

This year, every single one of your exes sent you warm birthday wishes by phone, emails, or Facebook message of some sorts.  I guess you are not that bad of a partner after all.

Love,

Elsa in her 30s

"It was almost like a closure — 'I know you made mistakes, I know your 20s were hard, but things are good now and I'm going to let these things go,' " - Cassie Boorn


 

My notes

Almost wanted to name it "life's little notes", but it's just too cliche and corny. Dear friend Cathy Yang emailed me a compilation of advice her friend - Janice Shih put together for another friend who just graduated from college.  Some of the points really struck me, and I want to share with you too in terms of how I relate to them.  I have successfully done some of them, I learned some of them thru mistakes I made, and I am still learning some others.

On Finance -

Be able to support yourself financially- it is extremely liberating- be good with money, don't go into debt, figure out how to save, invest, get a good job to support yourself. Don't ever depend on someone else to support you, even after you get married.  Maintain your financial independence so that you can support yourself if you need to- not to be morbid, but you never know what is going to happen and too many women get trapped.

Stay away from credit cards - unless you pay the balance each month.

- Being raised by parents who are clueless about money and investing and having to work since age 14 have taught me the value of money.  I have always been good at the above.


On Career -

You can try 5 different careers in your 20s. It will make you interesting and fun. Everyone likes to hear about my adventures working for a matchmaker and a kickball organization.

- Hm... I haven't tried that many yet, and I am happy working in tech.
On Health -
Running is a gift you give yourself!
- I have been doing it at least once a week either in the gym or by the Emeryville Marina.  This routine is extremely important to me.

Take excellent care of yourself.  Remember that YOU have to take care of yourself. No one else will take care of you.
- Learned that in my early twenties after staying in a hospital for 2 days for a severe flu, heavy nose bleeding, and malnutrition caused by tremendous stress from school and life during my final year at college.

Don't drink too much- being hungover is such a waste of time- you could be spending enjoying all that life has to offer.
- Still learning about that.  I am not denying that I have a minor alcohol issue.  But I admit nursing hungover is absolutely a big waste of time.
Never stop learning- get an advanced degree and always be pushing yourself to grow.
- Still trying to accomplish that, only if i partied less.

On Attitude -
Be a good, nice person- regret and reputation are hard to shake. You can be the most beautiful person on the outside; but, if you aren't good on the inside- it doesn't matter. Positive examples are Aubrey Hepburn and Paul Newman.
- Learned that over time.

 Be grateful- focus on what you have instead of comparing yourself to other people and lamenting what you do not- all the good in your life will pass you by if you do.
- Stopped doing that long time ago, and life has been wonderful since.

Don't "awfulize" things - take things in stride, learn from them and move on to be a better person. Don't waste time dramatizing, start fixing!
- I am getting better at it now, but still need more practicing

On Relationship and Friendship -
He's not worth crying over.
- Yes, no one is worth my tears anymore. 
Be open to meeting all types of new friends and just keep smiling
- Always my thing. :)
When you are with the right partner in life, it isn’t really that hard.  When it’s right it’s right, you don’t have to make excuses for them, they show up when they need to and they love you like no other.
- Have yet to see that happen, but time will tell.  I still believe a good relationship takes work, and I am more than happy to work hard on that when I find the right person.  I still believe in love, wholeheartedly.

Never EVER cut your friends out for a relationship, because they might not be there when your heart gets broken.
- I never EVER do that.  Have I not said enough how much I value friendship?

Do not obsess about getting married.  If you want to get married, set that intention.  And then set about becoming an amazing person you would want to be married to.
- Now I know.  I am writing down what I would want in a person to be married to and try to become that person first.

If you are making excuses for your boyfriend, dump him.  If you are constantly asking your friends for advice about him, dump him.  If you complain about your boyfriend to others, dump him.  If you always nag your boyfriend, dump him.  If your mom doesn’t like him….ugh…I hate to admit this – but she’s probably right, so dump him!  In other words, this guy isn’t bringing out the best in you nor is he rising to the occasion (and the occasion is YOU!) so why would you want to keep him? 

- This is interesting.  I never thought about this before, but maybe it's true?
On Wisdom -
Life is LONG.  Longer than you can imagine.  Move at a pace that feels natural to you.  Do not listen to the expectations of others. 
- I recently got hung up on some comments from an old friend and parents that drove me nuts.  But I got over it pretty quickly.
The best is yet to come! 
- Hell yeah!
Extra -
Live abroad -

- Done that in my early days.


Learn a second language.

- Learned third and forth language and going to learn fifth.


Volunteer -

- Never stop doing that.


More from me -

I have determined to live a fabulous life since three years ago no matter what happens.  I have let go a lot of my baggages and embrace what I have now.  I thought I couldn't love again but in fact, I am more than willing to give than take in a relationship at this point.  I used to love someone more than myself and that feeling was wonderful.  I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

 

 

Dancing Blues

I am a very bad follower.

Went to The Rent Party again tonight at the ODC. I am always fascinated by Blues dance because I love jazz music. Blues dancing is sexy. I love watching it. So, besides doing the usual swing dance tonight, I went to the Blues room and danced with a couple people. I have never taken a Blues dance class before, and last time (also my first time) I did it, my dance partner had to stop me and told me just "follow his lead". Argh...

I was more "submissive" tonight, but I would suggest me to take a class next time. I am used to dancing salsa and other dances where both dancers need to be proactive with the moves. Blues dance is like the follower basically just leans on the lead and that's it. Maybe I should dance with girls and lead next time... Since I found girls dancing with another girl even sexier. :)

Elsa's Year in Review 2009

Another awesome year for me.

Career - There were ups and downs but I am happy with both of my jobs after all. Y! provides the stability and routine in my life. Motherapp gives me the opportunity to develop certain skill sets to survive in a startup and learn about the mobile industry. No complaints. Really, I am grateful (but not yet content) of what I am having now.

Social life - Bad ass as usual :) I went to tons of networking events and parties and met and friended interesting folks like Tim Ferriss, Matt Mullenweg, and many others. I am also getting a lot more involved into the tech/startup community in San Francisco. Thank god I live so close to the city now.

Personal development - Biggest achievement of the year: buying my own place. I went through so much stress and emotional turmoil to get this condo (details explained in my another post)

I also taught a StartupSchool class. Two years ago, I was not even able to speak in front of more than three people. Today, I am able to teach a class of 20 and totally ok making jokes on stage.

Love life - Many suitors but no relationship at the moment. I am having some serious trouble making a commitment these days. I have been single for over two years now, and I realized how much I missed out in life because I was in relationships that consumed me entirely from age 16 till 31. A big part of me wasn't very well developed in the past, and I have grown so much since my last relationship ended. I just had this conversation with a good friend Jany tonight, I told her how I find relationships difficult to me nowadays compared to the past. And then she said, "Elsa, relationships are never easy, you find it difficult now because you finally know who you are and what you want in life and all..." Very true.

On the other hand, I cannot do casual dating and hookups. It doesn't make sense, and I don't have the time and energy for that. It hurts you in any way. Maybe friends with "benefits"? No, can't do that either. Not wanting commitment and not accepting flings, I am caught in a dilemma. Is there a middle ground between these two scenarios?

Nicole said she would write my eHarmony profile. Funny.

Other highlights
- Went to Japan the second time in a year and did a Geisha photo shoot.
- Flew a plane (for 10 mins) - thanks to friend Tilo for letting me fly his plane.
- Dressed like a dude in public and had fun with it. Just did it last night. :)
- Watched a Coldplay concert live. I seemed to always miss their concerts in the past, but this year I finally got to see them in July.
- Watched a Jason Mraz concert. I am totally not attracted to him, but I love his music.
- Made many awesome new friends.

To-do list for 2010
Lots to do. I will save it for another post.

Downtime 2009

Y! shuts down for the holidays this year. I have 10 days off and this is only the second day, and I am already feeling a little bit of unease. It is not that I don't have stuff to do. In fact, I have a lot of errands to run. I am used to storming out of the door every morning and working till bedtime. This is weird. I spent a lot of time in bed today.

I just finished my third load of laundry and am contemplating going out with Dini and her brother in the city later tonight.

I have half a dozen of books to read, a second job to work on, and a 2010 career plan to strategize. I better stay in.

I have decided this is my last evening off. I am going to log on (my work machine) after this post.

Happy Holidays!

Yet another Y! Party


This year, we did not have the extravaganza like what we used to have in the past, but it doesn't mean we didn't have as much fun as before.

Each team had its own party last night, and I was lucky enough to get invited to both my team's and another group's gatherings. I am still the same old me who is easily content and merry as long as there is enough booze. :D

Things have changed quite a lot over the year at Y!, but I have become even more attached to my team (meaning I can scream, kick, and bully them all the time, j/k). One of the reasons why I am still in this giant corporate world is that I really like the people I work with, having the social bonding with them was enough to make me commute an hour each way to work everyday. In my own terms, being a community manager means more than making the users of my product happy. Making my team happy is another important task on my job description.

Meditation

I didn't really believe in meditation until I dated a guy briefly earlier this year who re-introduced it to me.

I am starting to meditate on a regular basis, like 10 minutes everyday. And I think it's slowly working. My schedule is always jam packed (I am triple booked on Mon, Tue, and Thurs evenings next week), I really need a moment of Zen to keep me going. Today I meditated for 20 mins, after that I felt much more focused and productive.

Try it out.

Tired

I like being busy. I have been crazily busy the past few months. It has gotten to the point that I really need to re-priortize my work and social life. My "party-like-a-rockstar" days are over. I got too much shit to do. Holding two jobs, volunteering for a non-profit, doing home improvement, and commuting to work from Emeryville to Sunnyvale everyday leave me no time for anything else. I have every intention to go back to school, and I still believe I can swing it if I am not so ADD all the time.

As always, my weekend schedule is booked full of activities two weeks in advance. This weekend, I chose to do nothing. Well, not entirely nothing. I had a relaxing dinner with Christine, Buck, and JB last night. It felt so good being with my simple, nerdy, but smart friends that I can tell anything to them. I love them.
Today, I worked out in the gym at Berkeley in the afternoon and had dinner with Susan after.

Oh, I also started a food blog -- Silicon Valley Foodie http://svfoodie.tumblr.com/ to record interesting food I experience.

Over the years I have had so much good food, and I wish I had documented all of them. I also enjoy cooking a lot. This is pretty much the only girly thing I love doing; it is therapeutic to me in a lot of sense. I guess chopping onion might help releasing tension? Except sometimes it could get a bit teary. :)

Ok, time to get back to work.