A Girl Nerd's Diary

Not trying to be snotty about it but ever since I moved north and close to San Francisco last year my life style has completely changed, in a good way. I used to enjoy the suburbia, especially when I was in a relationship (maybe not, in retrospect). Growing up in a tiny city with 7 million people (Hong Kong is not even a quarter the size of New York), the first thing I was thrilled about is the space and privacy I had when I first came to North America. After 16 years living in the burb I made a bold decision to move to Emeryville (where everyone in the south bay thinks it's Oakland and it stinks) . 

Emeryville is not the most glitzy place in the area and it's steps away from the ghetto part of Oakland. I had never lived in an area where most people think is unsafe. But after living here for a bit over a year, I am totally in love with it. Yes, it is not "in" San Francisco but it's close enough - 12 mins drive and 17 mins BART to the financial district. I could have afforded a place in the city but I would not be able to maintain my lifestyle (traveling and eating out all the time).  For me, it's definitely a reasonable compromise. A friend recently told me I should live in San Francisco because the East Bay doesn't fit my style, which I disagreed. Yes, some parts of my hoods are not fancy, but they definitely have characters and a different vibe that I appreciate. Every place I visit and live changes me. And I think this was definitely a change that I was unknowingly longing for.

This is the part of the Bay Area I never knew that was so different. It was the contentment with the tranquil environment I was in and just didn't know better. I used to love driving, but now, I take public transport whenever possible even our public transportation system here is not the most efficient one. Everyone drives just doesn't work. It's not good for the environment; it makes traffic worse, and gas is expensive. Aside: I always meet interesting people on trains, either when I am at home or in foreign countries.

I love big cities. I love cities that are metropolitan yet parts of it are old and run down. It feels unreal that everything looks so perfectly clean and structured. Have I told you I freaking hate Las Vegas and the Marina district in SF? Pretentiousness drives me nuts. 

My life is sorta going in reverse from the norm in recent years. People live in cities when they are young; they date a lot when they are in their twenties. Many who are in the tech industry usually start their career as software engineers and move on to be product managers or do product marketing then business development; they commit and settle (get married or have a serious relationship) with their partner in their late 20s or early 30s, and move to homes away from the city. I am going the complete opposite way as I age. I started my internet career doing advertising and product marketing; did product management and sales, and now I am starting to code again. I sold my house in San Jose and bought an apartment, ended a long term relationship in my late 20s, and haven't had a serious relationship for 3 years...

Regardless, I fucking love my life now. Why does everyone have to go down the same path as everyone else does anyway?!

Over the past few weeks, my conversations with different groups of friends somehow always involved the Myers Briggs test.  I didn't think this test is always a true indicator of one's personality even though I majored in Psychology. 

Because of these conversations, I have been reading more about personalities and relationships (hadn't done that since graduated from school).  Friend Jade introduced me to a book called "The Witch of Portobello".  I found an idea from the book that's quite interesting and got me thinking about the subject further.  It says "...extroverts are unhappier than introverts and have to compensate for this by constantly proving to themselves how happy and contented and at ease with life they are."

In the web2.0 world, it's so easy to channel these "happy and contented" messages across.  It also reminds me of an article written about a Facebook friend of mine - So open it hurts.

In addition, I also read an article about types of women that men avoid.  One of them is "The Party Girl" type of women - "It's hard to have a healthy relationship with a person who is masking major problems underneath his or her party hat.  Plus, we all know that people who can't amuse themselves without mind-altering substances just aren't any fun when the party is over."

Sounds familiar...

What do you think?

On my way home one evening, I was listening to NPR about a college student who started a project called "What would you say to your 20-year-old self?" - she asked mature women (in their 30s and 40s) to write a letter to their 20-year-old selves.

I just had a birthday two weeks ago, and it's time for a self-reflection again.  I am inspired by this project and decided to write a letter to my 20-year-old self too.  And I hope this is therapeutic.

Dear Elsa at 20,

Please always follow your heart.  I understand growing up in Asia you inherited the "group think" mentality.  You do whatever others think is the right thing to do.  You are bored out of your mind when studying accounting and management theories that don't make sense at that time, but you still majored in business because all your girlfriends are preparing for the CPA.

Please don't take shortcuts.  I know you are so broke in college because your parents don't pay a penny for your education, but you could have gotten into a better university.  You chose the not-so-good one in Toronto because it's closer to the city so you can bartend to support yourself and it offers a shorter program. You will end up not enjoying school at all.  You will take a year off from work, cash out all your stocks from Google, and went to a very good school to study psychology.  However, that year will be time very well spent.

Living in Montreal for two years shapes who you are; the food, the fashion, and the beautiful French culture and language make you a person with good taste.  Learn some French even though you are still struggling with English.  You will enjoy conversations with the Parisian more when you go to in France a few years later.

Going through quarter-life crisis was daunting, but it teaches you how to make rational decisions in the future without hesitating and ruminating stuff for too long.  Take risks with the right reason and deal with the consequences later.  Money and security are less important than valuable experience at this age.  You will regret not moving to New York City or London when you have the chance, but it's never too late, that thought comes back when you are in your 30s.  You waited 10 years to move closer to San Francisco, but you will be glad to get out of the suburbia trap. 

You will meet a wealthy guy who buys a BMW M3 and Mercedes CLK and let you drive them as if they are yours and pampers you with all kinds of luxuries in life.  But, he is a bad news.

You will end up marry someone you love but not totally in love with.  You are too young to get married.  You will have too much temptations and won't know how to be a good wife in your mid-twenties.  Thank god you are still good friends with your ex.

You are spending way too much time being someone's girlfriend till 31.

Don't be with someone who is emotionally unavailable, and no matter how hard you try to be the best girlfriend possible for him, he is still hung up with his exes.  He is just not that into you and definitely not worth your tears.

Choose your friends wisely.  You will finally learn to be around with people who are responsible, smart, kind, and can be good influences for you. 

You need to take care of your health and the genetic issues although they are invisible and not contagious.  They paralyze you for many years. You could have been happy much earlier had those issues being taken care of sooner.  Stop being overly conscious about your body, you are only 91 lbs from starving yourself before graduation.  

I am very proud of you because you are adventurous and a world traveler. You always meet local people and be friends with them even though you don't speak their language.  Thank you for being open-minded and choosing America to be your permanent home.  You love and enjoy the cultural diversity and the beautiful nature in California, and you will date men and meet friends from all over the world.

I am glad you are very financially responsible.  Growing up having parents who are completely clueless with money taught you that.  You will be glad being debt free and able to pay off half of your apartment by 35.  It's good that you are never into designer purses and stop obsessing about fancy sport cars at some point.

Hey, you haven't found your greatest love yet, but don't lose hope.  He will come. :)

This year, every single one of your exes sent you warm birthday wishes by phone, emails, or Facebook message of some sorts.  I guess you are not that bad of a partner after all.

Love,

Elsa in her 30s

"It was almost like a closure — 'I know you made mistakes, I know your 20s were hard, but things are good now and I'm going to let these things go,' " - Cassie Boorn